Letters

[pen_grunt]

Dear Hair,

Get over this mid-growth, longish, limpish bad hair week you've been having. I'm tired of putting my hair up. I really don't want to have to go back to the salon, pay $75 for a haircut (that was gorge, but still) and listen to the stylist talk about the time he broke his femur and got a blowjob from a candy striper in his hometown hospital while in traction. That man gives genius haircuts, but it takes so much effort to listen to him for the hour in the chair. And if I have to listen, you have to listen--so stop looking like crap already.
Signed,
That thing below you that gives you brushes and binders.

Dear Fishes,

Stop reproducing. You're supposed to eat your young but you, apparently, didn't get the memo. Baby fishes were cute at first, we even named them. Now they're just "Batch 1", "The Fry" and "Chum" for their respective classes. Seriously, what are we going to do with all your lovechildren? Additionally, you're all brothers and sisters in there. Ew.
Signed,
The food giver.

Dear Wedding Photographers,

I regret that it's now far too late to get a full refund from you. It sucks to not have any pictures of my side of the family, sure, and it sucked to not be told about it till after we had payed extra for the high-res CD...but we've been over that. Partial refunds all around and all that jazz. However, you are professional (DIGITAL) photographers and I've had to spend HOURS correcting red eye from all the pictures and un-auto-correct the coloring, because it's obvious that you just went through and "auto-corrected" the pics in photoshop. That's a hell of a lot of work, and I shouldn't feel like I should end up paying MYSELF for editing my own wedding photos (in a way that is correcting your obvious mistakes). I have repetitive motion pain in my shoulder from the editing. Considering I work on a computer typing all day, that's a pretty extreme sign.
Signed,
You suck.

Comments

[liquid-siftings.livejournal.com]

You get no sympathy from me on the hair front, but I would happily join you in a baseball bat-a-thon on your wedding photgraphers -- that is, in the immortal words of Socrates, seriously f*cked up.

[pen-grunt.livejournal.com]

Yeah, sorry 'bout the hair rant...but as someone who lives with a female, I'm sure you can at least empathize with my follicular rage.

And as for the wedding photogs, I just regret that I hadn't taken the time to thoroughly analyze the photographs sooner. I was genuinely shocked this weekend as I realized that most of my family had taken better pictures with their point-and-shoot digitals. As it is, I feel like now it's too late (7 months after the wedding) to go back to the photographers and say, "Hey, you guys did some seriously shoddy work, can I have my money back please?"

Baseball bats all around if they hadn't been such *nice* people (as people...they were just DOLLS, easy to work with, all that...just not so great in the talent area).

[(Anonymous)]

Wedding photogs... i'd say it's never too late to ask for a partial refund, especially considering what it costs.

[gwangi.livejournal.com]

Too bad the fishies aren't eating one another. There are some really neat things you can do with a population that is self-contained and practices age-dependent cannibalism.

[pen-grunt.livejournal.com]

I'm not really sure how to *make* them eat each other either? Hold off on the food for a bit? (Not really fair to the other not-coitus-crazy fishes.)
Sprinkle them with appealing condiments? (Bad, bad idea.)
Change the environment? (How? Remove the mood lighting?)

So I'm stuck with a broken biological system. There has been a breakdown in the population cycle here.