Observations and Reflections
Jan. 3rd, 2007 01:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pen_gruntThe more people complain about others, the more self conscious I become that I'm going to be the next target (despite reassurance and despite actual performance). Every time my boss decries an idea as stupid, I worry that I can't tell the difference between a good idea and a bad idea--and I'll be the next one with the stupid idea. Not exactly creative freedom.
The more people label me as gifted, the more I fear failing. The gifted ones are supposed to just KNOW how to do things--not stumble through sometimes. Every time a teacher called me "smart" dread compounded and even an A- would sting of failure. The more people say I have good instincts, the less I use those instincts--who can be sure they're right, and what if I stop having good instincts because I have to think too hard about always having good instincts? I'm not allowed to ask questions or to ask for help--that's not what smart, gifted people do. Not-smart, not-gifted people are replaced.
When I think my work is crap, there's a halfway decent chance that no one will notice. There's a shortage of basic, proficient writing in the world--so much so that it surprises me sometimes. I have to keep in mind that not absolutely everyone can do what I do--even though I think this most times.
I need to become a better person to work with. I need to become more confident and have less ego (contradictory though it may seem). I need to balance the necessary ego to inspire confidence with my shyness. These aren't resolutions--just reflections and observations. Pardon the babble.
The more people label me as gifted, the more I fear failing. The gifted ones are supposed to just KNOW how to do things--not stumble through sometimes. Every time a teacher called me "smart" dread compounded and even an A- would sting of failure. The more people say I have good instincts, the less I use those instincts--who can be sure they're right, and what if I stop having good instincts because I have to think too hard about always having good instincts? I'm not allowed to ask questions or to ask for help--that's not what smart, gifted people do. Not-smart, not-gifted people are replaced.
When I think my work is crap, there's a halfway decent chance that no one will notice. There's a shortage of basic, proficient writing in the world--so much so that it surprises me sometimes. I have to keep in mind that not absolutely everyone can do what I do--even though I think this most times.
I need to become a better person to work with. I need to become more confident and have less ego (contradictory though it may seem). I need to balance the necessary ego to inspire confidence with my shyness. These aren't resolutions--just reflections and observations. Pardon the babble.
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-03 05:17 pm (UTC)What you are aiming for is exactly right: more confidence and less ego. Accept and internalize first and foremost that you are talented and intelligent. You have proven this over time, to yourself and to others. A bad idea, your boss' disapproval, even group scorn & derision doesn't negate that. Follow your intuition and instincts, and, with your skill set, the truth will out. You will almost always be your toughest critic, but I can guarantee you that if you haven't put at least one horrendous idea out there, you're probably self-censoring too much.
You are also right in that what you do is a skill that most people do not have. You have value in the capitalistic sense of the word, and your boss/company is not going to toss you out based on one or two questionable ideas. You are, or at least should be, seen for the big picture value you bring to the organization. And based on everything I've seen & read, this is significant.
Perhaps most importantly, and I find this helps with the ego piece, don't over-invest emotionally in your work or workplace. Ultimately, your job, what your boss and co-workers think of you: this does not define your worth. If you can eliminate the fear of their judgment (while remaining aware of the expectations placed on your work), then you will be able to act according to your own nature and instincts. And my strong opinion is that your personality and intelligence will lead to success in the workplace (both in terms of performance and within the social construct of a workplace) of their own accord.
Anyway, forgive my babble as well as my presumption to speak to this in the first place.
Happy new year! And I hope we can cross paths when I am out there next week.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-05 05:20 pm (UTC)I think an additional concept that is leading to insecurity is my unconscious competence. I think I was done a disservice by not having to "learn" to write--but rather have had nearly everything I've written accepted with praise--minimal effort required. This leads to a certain unawareness of the writing process and/or the complete lack of knowledge of what to do when the writing isn't "easy". Thus there's that constant fear that I won't know what to do when I have to work within a tough situation.
I realized just recently that a certain amount of ego was necessary for clients, but isn't necessary in the working environment. I need to learn how to balance the bravado of, "Of course your script will be great and wonderful," with the confidence/humility of, "Let's work to develop something together that will be better for the situation at hand." It seems that I'm a late bloomer in that I've only just realized that asking for help or input does not make one seem stupid or incapable (not always, anyway).
Anyway, I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but it does help somewhat to put it down on paper (or screen, as it were).