Observations and Reflections
Jan. 3rd, 2007 01:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pen_gruntThe more people complain about others, the more self conscious I become that I'm going to be the next target (despite reassurance and despite actual performance). Every time my boss decries an idea as stupid, I worry that I can't tell the difference between a good idea and a bad idea--and I'll be the next one with the stupid idea. Not exactly creative freedom.
The more people label me as gifted, the more I fear failing. The gifted ones are supposed to just KNOW how to do things--not stumble through sometimes. Every time a teacher called me "smart" dread compounded and even an A- would sting of failure. The more people say I have good instincts, the less I use those instincts--who can be sure they're right, and what if I stop having good instincts because I have to think too hard about always having good instincts? I'm not allowed to ask questions or to ask for help--that's not what smart, gifted people do. Not-smart, not-gifted people are replaced.
When I think my work is crap, there's a halfway decent chance that no one will notice. There's a shortage of basic, proficient writing in the world--so much so that it surprises me sometimes. I have to keep in mind that not absolutely everyone can do what I do--even though I think this most times.
I need to become a better person to work with. I need to become more confident and have less ego (contradictory though it may seem). I need to balance the necessary ego to inspire confidence with my shyness. These aren't resolutions--just reflections and observations. Pardon the babble.
The more people label me as gifted, the more I fear failing. The gifted ones are supposed to just KNOW how to do things--not stumble through sometimes. Every time a teacher called me "smart" dread compounded and even an A- would sting of failure. The more people say I have good instincts, the less I use those instincts--who can be sure they're right, and what if I stop having good instincts because I have to think too hard about always having good instincts? I'm not allowed to ask questions or to ask for help--that's not what smart, gifted people do. Not-smart, not-gifted people are replaced.
When I think my work is crap, there's a halfway decent chance that no one will notice. There's a shortage of basic, proficient writing in the world--so much so that it surprises me sometimes. I have to keep in mind that not absolutely everyone can do what I do--even though I think this most times.
I need to become a better person to work with. I need to become more confident and have less ego (contradictory though it may seem). I need to balance the necessary ego to inspire confidence with my shyness. These aren't resolutions--just reflections and observations. Pardon the babble.
