Body Blues

[pen_grunt]

I am having a crisis of confidence with my body lately. 

Ever since I stopped nursing at the end of January it's been doing weird shit weight-wise. Which is not surprising. It's adjusting. (Still?)

But I don't like it. 

I liked when I could Eat All The Things and I was at my lowest weight. Food tasted amazing. But I was also tethered to an infant so. Tradeoffs. 

I'm unhappy with it right now. 

It's hard to know how much of that is real and how much is in my head. 
Objectively it is pound-heavier than before. 
Objectively I get to run less, and fewer miles. 
Objectively I have not been paying any attention to what I eat. 

I look at women who weigh the same or more than me, and I think they look fine. Great, even. Wonderful. But myself? No bueno. 

I hear other people talk about losing weight and I am puzzled. I had a friend go on a weight loss challenge and her before picture looked like my best-ideal after. She did it to feel better in her clothes and feel good about herself (and for a bikini-vacation deadline). I can't fault her for that, I understand it, but I can't help but look at the picture and think that we're seeing two entirely different people. She looks better than me and she wants to be thinner?

Instead of thinking the world is mad, my brain--deep-steeped-in-social-conditioning--thinks, "If she thinks she looks fat, how much of a whale must *I* be?"

But she probably thinks I look fine. Great, even. Wonderful. But herself? No bueno. 

It makes no goddamned sense. But I want to feel better anyway.
So I go back on The Plan. 

The Plan is this: 
Consistency with exercise.
More water drinking.
Track calories*.
Alcohol on weekends only.

None of it is hard or weird or even that different. I just slip up in consistency. 

Of course...what is the damned point, anyway? I guess to not feel this way in my clothes. Not awful, but schlumpy. It's nice to feel great.
Would anyone notice? 
Has anyone noticed? 
Does anyone care?
Does it affect my self-worth?
As I say: I'm not sure how much is in my head, and how much is real. But I can drink more water anyway, and what will it hurt?


*Tracking calories is just that. I don't restrict intentionally, though having to write down what I eat and see the numbers adding up is super effective for restriction. I did this for 2 years straight, and I used to have ALL the numbers/math down in my head so firmly that I didn't need to track anymore and it was fine. Alas, consistency. Times are a-changing. 
 

Comments

[smittenbyu]

went through the same journey when nursing ended with D. sigh. I used to joke that was one of the main reasons I went so long! ha ha... it was a great benefit!

I could have written the same post 4 years ago. When people look at me they see someone fine. And like you said, others probably see you fine - we are so much more critical of ourselves.

[pen_grunt]

Ha! I definitely considered breastfeeding longer *only* for this reason, but I figured that I couldn't keep it up forever anyway (and N was getting really annoying when she would nurse).

It's so bizarre how we can see something completely different in ourselves than we'd see in other people *just* like us. It's a weird form of dysmorphia.

[sacramentalist.livejournal.com]

It's uncanny how people distort their own body like a funhouse mirror. I bet you look great. *hugs*

[pen-grunt.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

It's so hard to tell what is reality and what isn't when it comes to body image. I look at pictures of myself and I can't even quite tell...Is that how I *look*?! My god.

[fontosaurus.livejournal.com]

Feeling your pain -- I've been piling on the weight since last summer. Like 30 pounds. Now it could be argued that I was skinny enough where some weight gain was okay, but it's all around my midsection, so I'm a skinny guy with a spare tire.

It's largely the same contributors as yours -- except the breastfeeding thing, obvs -- and I'm trying to get my shit right.

I think it fucks with my head a bit because I still identify myself as a bike racer, even if I haven't raced in 5 years. I'm supposed to have that lean, ripped greyhound build. And I don't. (This might also play into the stuff you talked about previously with the precociousness and self-identity and work, at least tangentially, which is something else I want to comment on later, too.)

Whatever. It's tough. So much of what society demands of us -- whether society as a whole, or whatever group we belong to, demands that we act or look a certain way, and that can be hard on the self-esteem when we're not in compliance.

What to do?

Okay, that was rambly. I'm posting anyway.

[pen-grunt.livejournal.com]

Not so rambly, really. Weight and body type and identity are all *super* closely related. It's often why people who have been heavy all their life have additional trouble keeping weight off. Their identity has been molded around being the "heavy" person, and not being that anymore creates a certain amount of dissonance--even if their newer weight is more desirable to them.

So yeah. Totally makes sense that it would fuck with your head. I hear you.