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pen_gruntOriginally written Friday. I still feel the same way except the baby sleeps less now and is fussy for no reason. But I got Target and grocery shopping done today AND wrote a script draft one-handed! Anyway:
Today is not such a good day. Yesterday was not so good. There are not so many good days right now?
When N gets home I spend time with her because she's missing mommy. Then the baby cries and I take the baby (I have a particular set of...skills...that D is unable to provide even if he wanted to.). Then I go back to N while D holds the baby, peacefully (the baby does not sleep during the day unless held. Thankfully this is not the case at night...did we get another shitty day sleeper? WE DID...so far...but I'll take that over a shitty night sleeper anytime).
So I am the one who is always "on". Always giving what one child needs. Normally this sort of stops at night and I get 3 hours of sleep and then another 3 hours, but alas. Last night N was sick. So it was all night. Tending to N in bed (while she slept fitfully) then getting up to feed the baby, then going back to N.
I cancelled the playdate we were going to have when she woke up with a fever (only 100, but 99-101 is the WHINY range. Not sick enough to be cuddly, too sick to be in a good mood). N won't stop touching her sister right when she's about to fall asleep. It's like torture. Then the baby gets fussier and fussier with less and less to console her. And she will not be put down. I'm wearing her right now and typing this using N's bunkbed as a standing desk. My dad came to play with N.
The details are boring. Everything is boring. D gave me a strange look last night after I put N to bed and scooped up the baby again to start the 2 hour period of cluster feeding (ugh) that she does. "Are you okay? You seem on edge."
Do I?
This morning I was in tears and he left for work with this expression on his face like: Please do not kill our children while I'm gone. I don't touch that mental space, not to worry. It's just the same thing over and over again; being a shell of a person, nothing to look forward to, nothing changing, nothing easy.
All this sounds alarming! It is and it isn't, you know? I know it's temporary. It seems to go on forever, but the baby will already be a month old on Monday. It is not forever. It's just so tough going through the tunnel to the other side.
People offer to help; my parents, my cousins, friends, etc. And that's all well and good, but they really need to lactate more...otherwise it's just easier for me to take care of all of it.
Today is not such a good day. Yesterday was not so good. There are not so many good days right now?
When N gets home I spend time with her because she's missing mommy. Then the baby cries and I take the baby (I have a particular set of...skills...that D is unable to provide even if he wanted to.). Then I go back to N while D holds the baby, peacefully (the baby does not sleep during the day unless held. Thankfully this is not the case at night...did we get another shitty day sleeper? WE DID...so far...but I'll take that over a shitty night sleeper anytime).
So I am the one who is always "on". Always giving what one child needs. Normally this sort of stops at night and I get 3 hours of sleep and then another 3 hours, but alas. Last night N was sick. So it was all night. Tending to N in bed (while she slept fitfully) then getting up to feed the baby, then going back to N.
I cancelled the playdate we were going to have when she woke up with a fever (only 100, but 99-101 is the WHINY range. Not sick enough to be cuddly, too sick to be in a good mood). N won't stop touching her sister right when she's about to fall asleep. It's like torture. Then the baby gets fussier and fussier with less and less to console her. And she will not be put down. I'm wearing her right now and typing this using N's bunkbed as a standing desk. My dad came to play with N.
The details are boring. Everything is boring. D gave me a strange look last night after I put N to bed and scooped up the baby again to start the 2 hour period of cluster feeding (ugh) that she does. "Are you okay? You seem on edge."
Do I?
This morning I was in tears and he left for work with this expression on his face like: Please do not kill our children while I'm gone. I don't touch that mental space, not to worry. It's just the same thing over and over again; being a shell of a person, nothing to look forward to, nothing changing, nothing easy.
All this sounds alarming! It is and it isn't, you know? I know it's temporary. It seems to go on forever, but the baby will already be a month old on Monday. It is not forever. It's just so tough going through the tunnel to the other side.
People offer to help; my parents, my cousins, friends, etc. And that's all well and good, but they really need to lactate more...otherwise it's just easier for me to take care of all of it.
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no subject
Date: 2018-11-20 12:15 am (UTC)We could help with the boring part though...
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Date: 2018-11-20 12:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-11-20 02:52 am (UTC)I have no idea what that's like.
Well, even besides the obvious.
LP was The Clutcher and Midget's sleeping style...hmmm.
How to describe, exactly?
'Fuck All Y'all, I'm Out?'
Pretty much.
Watching her sleep makes total strangers drowsy.
She's like the Human Monster Truck of Zs.
I can't let her sleep in my car when I'm driving.
As. An. ADULT.
no subject
Date: 2018-12-03 07:38 pm (UTC)