Freaking out

[pen_grunt]

The thing about freaking out, a little bit, is that when you tell people, "Hey, I'm anxious and freaking out a little bit right now," it makes you freak out less. 

It's not the catharsis, for me. It's that I then feel like they then know what's going on and can adjust their expectations accordingly. So I don't have to be freaking out while ALSO freaking out about acting like I'm not freaking out and keeping it all together. 

If this sounds stupid to you (why would you also add the extra layer of veneer), well, it is! But it's how I operate. Calm facade and all. 

So I told D I was very anxious yesterday. And I was. There was no good reason for it save that I almost ALWAYS get about a day dipped in anxiety after I get back from a show. Something about the transition and all the work piling up while I've been gone and also not running for x days and getting very little sleep. All that. 

In this case, I also got word that a publisher picked up my book of felt things. My agent sent me a contract to sign. The anticipated timeline for material delivery was Jan-Feb-March. Which I thought was tight but fine. 

The publisher's actual deadline for delivery is November 3, December 2, and January 2. I have a ton of stuff that I am not experienced in designing that I now have to make good enough for a book.
I have three shows in the next month. One next week, one two weeks after, and one in the first week of December. So, you know. This concerns me. 
Plus I have other things. I promised a friend I would design some simple busy book pages for her kid so she can make it before Hanukkah. Should be simple and fun, but it's another thing.
I'm co-hosting a Halloween(ish) party in mid November. I warned the co-hosts that I will do my level best, but I might be not taking on what I usually do.
I have to read a book for book club. I'm at 10%. (This might drop? I still want to do it though.)
I have family birthdays this weekend. 
It's D's birthday tomorrow. 
Hey, do we want to have another kid? The time to get that going would be now, for this month.
Etc. 

I have no worries about actually getting everything done. I meet my deadlines. I do not renege on commitments. And I also have a contract!
I have slight worries about my sanity. Or sleep. But hey, it's only for a little while and anyone can take anything for a little while. 

Comments

[newlifeinstpaul.livejournal.com]

Hey, do we want to have another kid? The time to get that going...

I like how this sounds almost as casual as 'Drop another couple burgers on the grill D, we've got dinner rush coming. Ketchup or salt..?'

[pen-grunt.livejournal.com]

I kind of have to look at it that way. It's one of those things that--if I think about it too directly--fills me with a weird mixture of dread and anxiety and guilt and urgency.