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CONvergence is imminent. I am having weird feelings about it.

Like: "I'm supposed to have things DONE for this and I don't" weird feelings.
More specifically: "I'm dropping the ball at work and am showing up on site without a script" weird feelings.

This is a strange compounding of anxiety, on top of my normal "Oh my god, what did I get myself in to?!" socially-based anxiety. It is not really expected.

I have felt little bits of this anxiety before when I've been at hotels where there have been conferences/events that I haven't been a part of--they just happen to also be going on at the hotel. I'll often pop my head into a general session or backstage and see how things are setup, or what's going on behind the scenes. There is this latent "I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING TO FIX XYZ" in my brain and I need to *check* on things.

I am having a hard time with CONvergence switching my brain to "I AM THE ATTENDEE. I don't need to do anything!"

At first I thought it would relax me to plan a little bit--put some things on the calendar/schedule thing to have anchor points so I don't mindlessly drift--but now I'm thinking I should just be very chill and go with the flow about it. Because scheduling things is feeling like: Must be at rehearsal here. Must go to this here. Must deliver script by XYZ.

I'm not even scheduling time to see people. I don't know what to expect. I could be woefully unprepared in a lot of bad, unproductive ways. But I think I just have to feel it out. And resist the urge to, you know, produce a show flow.

Panic level: OH MY GOD IT IS TOMORROW WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING.

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